I want to love and be loved. Dr. Franz Ruppert

A primary human need and the serious consequences when maternal love is missing.

February 20, 2021 Translated by Sissel Bru Reksten, Josefine Røding, and Marta Thorsheim

Longing for love – a human condition

I want to be loved – I maintain that every human being has this need. It is a central need that fundamentally says: I want to be loved by my mother.

The relationship with the mother is every child's first love affair. From the very beginning of life, even before birth, a child is full of love for their mother. The child is focused on physical and emotional contact with her. For a child, no one is more important than their mother. This is not surprising, since every person grows up in the mother's womb, depends on her through thick and thin, and relies on her for survival. From the start of life, every human being has a massive capacity for love directed at their mother, alongside an equal yearning to be loved by her.

There is nothing wrong with that. It is part of the fundamental human condition. As humans, we reproduce sexually, and children grow inside their mother's womb. Therefore, the love for one's mother and the longing for her are part of being human. Just as it is in a bird's nature to have wings for flying, it is in human nature that we are able to love and want to be loved. In many ways, these are our wings.

Love and Fear

Love and fear are enemies within the psyche. Where there is fear, there is little room for love. Fear activates the stress system in the human organism. Where fear exists, anger, aggression, and obsessive thinking and behavior will also arise. These feelings and attitudes toward life are the breeding ground for violence.

Love is the antidote to fear. Love can neutralize fear. People who love can also relate well and appropriately to their fear. Furthermore, interpersonal trust cannot arise without love.

Lack of maternal love

What happens when a child's need for love is not adequately met by his or her mother? What happens when a mother does not want her child, rejects and dismisses the child? Or if she is completely indifferent to the child? Or even fights against her own child and tortures them physically and emotionally? What happens if she, due to her own history, is unable to love her child with all her heart and body? And if she herself suffers from a lack of maternal love because she did not receive the love she needed from her own mother either?

Suppression of the need for love

In all these instances where a child's need for love goes unmet, they experience deep stress. To survive this terror, the child has no choice but to suppress their basic need for a mother's love. The pain of not being wanted, loved, or protected from a mother's harshness—and the fear of being left behind by her—is so intense that it breaks the child's mind. The child must give up their sense of wholeness and split into three distinct parts:

• One part remains realistic and repeatedly experiences the terror caused by a mother's indifference, rejection, or violence.
• Another part stores these repeated, unbearable experiences of rejection.
• This part is stuck in the trauma and is blocked by a third mental structure, preventing it from healing.
• Time allows the fear of being abandoned and the pain of not being loved to shape one's own experiences.

This inevitably leads to trauma survival strategies that are disconnected from reality, creating their own inner psychological world. This maintains the illusion that the child's own mother will love them despite all conflicting experiences and the desire to be connected to her in love forever. All it takes is enough effort and giving the mother everything she needs and demands. Instead of feeling their own distress, the child experiences the mother as demanding and burdened. The child therefore tries to meet her needs and ease her suffering. The child feels unworthy of being loved, carrying guilt and shame for their own existence. In this part, the child overanalyzes the mother, trying to understand why she acts a certain way and finding a thousand reasons to justify and excuse her behavior.

At the same time, the part that I call the "traumatized part" will watch powerlessly, yet full of rage, as the survival part sacrifices itself in its illusions of love for its own mother, while neglecting and ignoring itself. Illusions of love go hand in hand with abandoning one's own "Self" and "Will," thereby betraying oneself. Along this way, the vulnerable, love-needing being that we once were at the start of our existence gradually turns into a seemingly healthy adult—one who appears healthy to themselves, but at the same time rejects themselves and their healthy basic needs, largely accepting anything that harms them, and expecting the same from others. Thus, rejection initiated by one's own mother turns into a rejection of one's own stable inner authority: "Don't cry, don't be needy and weak! Pull yourself together!" "I must be strong, must not show my feelings, and absolutely must not cry!" becomes the motto for the rest of life.

Some people may also say that they have never wanted to be loved by their mother. They have always been suspicious of her and kept their distance. They have even fought against her all their lives. They obscure the beginning of life where this deep longing for a warm mother exists, or they have buried this longing behind thick walls of psychological defense.

A mother's love mixed with pain, fear, anger, shame, and guilt

If a mother, for whatever reason, does not return her child's need for love with her own, the child cannot simply stop loving their mother. Consequently, the object of love for the child becomes filled with negative feelings such as fear, anger, pain, shame, and guilt. This increasingly leads the child to distance themselves from their natural need to be loved by their mother. Love thus becomes something highly complicated and completely out of reach.

Needs for compensation, illusions of love, and love delusions

The original need for love is now replaced by abstract ideas of love, tied to substitute needs such as:

• I imagine my mother thinks of me as often as I think of her.
• I am very calm and well-behaved, and I don't cause any problems for her.
• If I am a good girl or a good boy, mother will appreciate me for it.
• I help her with the housework, take care of my brothers and sisters, and get recognition from her for doing so.
• When I get good grades at school, Mom is happy.
• I want my mother to be proud of me.
• I do not want to be a burden to my mother.
• It is my own fault if I do not get enough love from her.
• All I really want for her is to be happy and content.
• I want to forgive her for everything and ultimately be reconciled with her.
• …

The greater the experience of a lack of maternal love, the more humble the child becomes. The more satisfied they are with very little. They still look for the last crumb of maternal love to hold onto. They get carried away by their own ideas of maternal love and find a thousand reasons why their mother could not help and treated them unlovingly. They idealize their mother and honor her. These ideas increasingly became illusions of love and eventually delusions of love.

Children who emotionally absorb their mother's pain and suffering in this way end up carrying her worries and stress. They have no present or future of their own. Psychologically, they remain trapped in their mother's past and the conflicts of their ancestors. This is how human fates repeat themselves across generations without anything truly changing. External progress in areas like technology, education, or knowledge changes nothing.

Anger, rage, and hatred towards the mother

A child's frustrated need for love creates anger, and even rage. Through these emotional reactions, the child tries to get the mother's attention and make her aware that they feel neglected and unloved by her. If the mother responds appropriately, the child's anger will calm down. If not, the rage will grow into hatred toward the mother. Pure hatred sometimes speaks from the child's eyes because they feel powerless in their struggle to gain the affection they long for from their mother. But this hatred, too, must eventually be split off in a child who has suppressed their own emotional needs. It then resides deep within the child's psyche, poisoning it. At the same time, it seeks an outlet in countless creative ways. It can easily be directed at a sibling whom the child believes receives more love and attention from the mother, even if that is not the case. This hatred can lead to destruction: It can be directed at toys or the eyes of a favorite doll, or expressed toward a teddy bear by tearing off its arms and legs. Other children can also easily become targets for this hatred, as well as teachers, and later supervisors, therapists, or politicians.

It has fateful consequences when this childish hatred towards one's own mother is later directed at one's own child. By hating their own child, many women continue the fight against their own mother.

For men, repressed hatred toward the mother can easily be projected onto women in general: "All women are loose, except mom!".

The search for substitute mothers

Since the child lacks maternal love, they look for a substitute for that love. If available, many children seek the love from their father that they otherwise do not receive from their mother. In this way, they often end up in an emotionally confused and entangled relationship with their father. Since all hope now rests on him, the father is often idealized. Even the few signs of affection he shows towards a child are perceived by the child as overwhelming compared to a cold and unavailable mother.

No matter how loving a father is toward his child, he cannot compensate for his child's lack of a loving mother, nor can he heal the pain of rejection, the fear of abandonment, and the anger and hatred toward the mother that comes with it.

Based on all my therapeutic experience, I now know for certain: A mother's love is unique. It is bound to one's own mother. Therefore, no one can replace our mother and her love: no father, no grandmother, no babysitter, no adoptive mother, no nurse, or any other caregiver.

The search for a substitute for maternal love unfortunately also leaves children highly vulnerable to emotional and sexual abuse. Someone who can read the hunger for love in a child's eyes finds it easy to trick the child into feeling special. In this way, they can be seduced into doing things they definitely do not want to do. The worldwide lack of maternal love is the reason behind the similarly pandemic, global sexual abuse of children both within and outside families.

Anger, rage, and hatred towards the father

Because many fathers also fail to give a child the love they desperately need, they provide yet another reason for anger, rage, and hatred. Psychologically, rejecting one's own father is easier than hating one's own mother. In many cases, hatred for the father is a disguise for hatred for the mother. Therefore, a child may even secretly side with the mother against an obvious "idiot" of a father who left early or, when present, wrecks havoc, fights, screams, and drinks.

Even in psychotherapy, the obvious hatred toward the father is often the focus of attention and discussed in many ways. Unfortunately, this only serves to further deny the underlying hatred toward the mother.

Review of the primary love relationship

Because the relationship with the mother plays out unconsciously in our psyche, the quality of our primary love relationship repeats itself in all later love relationships in our life. Fear, anger, rage, hatred, and deep pain from the relationship with the mother flow into all other relationships where we hope for love. Under these circumstances, the repression of our feelings, the fundamental distrust of another person, and the reluctance to express our need for love become the principles upon which we build our love relationships.

A person who carries the pain of a child unloved by their mother in their heart will never fully open their heart again. They remain cautious because they don't want to feel this existentially threatening primal pain again. The pain that slumbers within their unresolved maternal relationship. Such new love relationships usually become a spasmodic attempt to maintain mental control over one's own needs and emotions in fear of falling back into early trauma feelings. The inevitable defeat of such relationships only leads to looking for new love relationships again and again. As long as the unconscious processes of one's own psyche are not understood, this will persist throughout one's life.

Infatuation and love

The desire to be loved is about seeking constant validation. I want to be emotionally accepted by another person just as I am. However, love from another person cannot replace self-love. Relationships and friendships are not a substitute, but simply an addition to loving oneself.

Many people find it difficult to understand the subject of love because they cannot properly distinguish between love and being infatuated. Infatuated is a state that periodically occurs in a person due to hormonal releases, making them ready to mate. Once mating happens, this state has more or less served its purpose and therefore fades away again. Human reproduction can also happen completely without love. Sexual desire alone is sufficient. Children can even be conceived during a situation of violence.

For men, the work of reproduction is finished with the sexual act. Women, on the other hand, cannot truly enjoy their children without love. Their fertility as women must be accompanied by maternal love, otherwise motherhood will be a disaster for her and her children. This maternal love must also be even stronger than love for any other person, whether it is her own mother, her husband, or another child she has already given birth to. If a woman is afraid of her husband, it is also a disaster for her and her children. She cannot protect herself or the child from her husband's invasion, assault, and violence.

For men, being a father is an opportunity to develop their capacity to love, which lies in the human nature of every man. Through this, he develops further and can grow out of his competitive mindset. They can learn that sexual pleasure is not a substitute for their need to be loved as men, just as they are. In this way, he can also understand that he is a fellow human being and a unique, separate individual — neither his wife nor his own children come first.

As a little tip for those who long for partnership and marriage: Don't marry someone who is not yet married to themselves.

After the state of being in love fades, the underlying psychological reality related to love resurfaces. The psychological dynamics then take over: A disappointed child's need for the mother's and father's love regains the upper hand and is brought into the partnership. Resentment toward the mother and father gets mixed into everyday relationships. The intimate partner now becomes the ever-present target. As a result, the partnership sometimes turns into a repetition of the hell experienced with the father and mother during childhood.

Is "narcissism" self-love?

There is a psychiatric diagnosis called "narcissistic personality disorder". The characteristics are described as:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents; expects to be recognized as superior without corresponding achievements).
• Is intensely preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, glamour, brilliance, or ideal love.
• Believing that they are "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special and respected people (or institutions), or can only associate with them and no one else.
• Requires excessive admiration.
• Shows a sense of entitlement (e.g., expecting special treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations).
• Is exploitative in interpersonal relationships (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends).
• Shows a lack of empathy: unwilling to understand or connect with the feelings and needs of others.
• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
• Displays arrogant behavior or attitudes ¹

¹ https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narzisstische_Pers%C3%B6nlichkeitsst%C3%B6rung accessed 15.2.2021

People who show such traits apparently want to be the center of attention and be admired. Why do they do this? Because they clearly have a psychological need for it! Because they feel small and insignificant without constant admiration from others. They feel ashamed of their own existence. In my experience, this mostly happens when a person was unwanted by their mother as a child. They therefore feel ashamed simply for existing. This shame stemming from the relationship with their own mother must then be compensated for with power, money, fame, and glamour.

Usually, they have also received the message from their father that they are small and stupid compared to him, and in no way surpass or outshine him.

“Narcissistic” people may show compassionate behavior towards other people. However, this compassion is very calculated and manipulative. As long as the other person plays along and satisfies one's own narcissistic needs, this works well for a while. But there will certainly come a point where this narcissistic compassion turns into rejection and often outright hatred, as soon as the suppressed primary pain from the relationship with the mother is pushed back up to the surface. ²

Projects of madness

The fundamental misunderstanding in such a survival strategy within a traumatized parenting dynamic is this idea: "As long as I am important enough to others, I am also important to mom and dad. I will be worthy of love from mom and dad." Since many others are striving for the same thing, this quickly leads to a sense of competition. They will try to force others out of the field. In this way, entire societies can turn into a pack of sharks made up of narcissistically disturbed people who sell or impose their own grandiose projects on fellow human beings, driven by their own childish needs and desires. Such projects are usually megalomaniac and easily exceed the boundaries of what we can comprehend as possible. ("Today Germany, tomorrow the whole world!") However, their goals often change rapidly, seemingly both brilliant and grandiose.

These ideas are often castles in the air, but they can drag millions of people into ruin as long as the narcissist has the power and financial resources to carry out their will. It is not only children of ruling dynasties—where there is often as much lack of genuine motherly love as fatherly love as between so-called ordinary people—who fuel their narcissism in many variations. Even people from humble origins have ideas that they would be better off if they belonged to the rich, powerful, and famous. They are therefore easily seduced and bought by those with the corresponding power and financial means. Therefore, again and again, people from simple backgrounds have reached the top of the spotlight in world politics. They become the obedient puppets of the truly powerful and rich.

Tyrants and murderers also want to be loved

Unfortunately, many ordinary, originally good people live by the motto: "If I am not loved, the others should at least live in fear and look up to me in dread." They train themselves to adopt a hostile attitude and acquire power and weapons they can use to threaten others, bring them under control, and if necessary, kill them. So do such people really not want to be loved?

These individuals also have a fundamental need to be loved by their mother, underpinned by countless survival strategies and entanglements in their mother's trauma. There are many people with loveless, violent fathers and emotional wounds. In this world, this also applies to people in families like those of Trump, Xi Jinping, Erdogan, Merkel, Putin, and others. Deep down, they too just want love in their hearts. That is why they always want to be the centre of attention for an audience. And note this: they want to be admired by their people and perhaps even recognised by humanity for their achievements. This is why it can be difficult to let go of power once they have seized it. Essentially, they try to force love and affection using all the violence and power at their disposal, much like children on a playground who hand out gifts to those around them. To make themselves popular, they must buy journalists, ministers, and advisors who take responsibility and become dependent on them. This way, they can trust that these individuals will not say bad things about them. Fundamentally, this is an easy game to see through.

Tyrants and dictators rely on dependency. They want other people to depend on them politically, economically, socially, and psychologically. They pressure others using the dossiers they compile on their opponents. Yet, in reality, they are also psychologically dependent on other people. They are alone when they have no one to fight against. Inside, they are empty because they have cut off their own basic needs and can no longer feel themselves. Therefore, they must constantly fill themselves with external experiences. In this way, they achieve the exact opposite of what they secretly desire. In truth, no one loves them. If only these people could experience just once how easily people's hearts reach out to you when you show your feelings openly and authentically! If they would only express their pain as well. Then they would realize that this is what they truly need, and it doesn't even take a huge effort.

² Hans-Joachim Maaz (2012). The narcissistic society. A psychogram. Munich: C.H. Beck.

Moving through primary pain

Loneliness is a result of suppressed basic needs and the feelings that follow from them. This cuts us off from our healthy needs and turns our body, among other things, into an object treated as such by others.

The mistakes, illusions, and delusions presented to us by our trauma survival strategies can only be seen through when we acknowledge our fear of being abandoned and accept our own pain. – And by accepting that we were not loved by our mother. This pain is pushed aside, often with substances or medications designed to cover up a wound that has already happened. It makes a person feel unreal – like an empty shell, with a brain that keeps running constantly. We try to understand with thoughts what can only be felt. When the original childhood pain of not being loved by one's mother is covered up, we are forced to repeat it for the rest of our lives, in a thousand variations. We deny the original pain and are unable to love ourselves.

For this reason, one cannot give love to others either. On the contrary – one's own unresolved primary pain causes us to inflict just as much pain on others. Our own children and people who depend on us are abused in our illusion that we can dump our own pain onto others. It helps in the short term, but not in the long term.

On the other hand, primal pain allows us to experience ourselves as a real person again. Through this pain, we come home to the living human organism that we are. Emotionally anchored in our bodies, we cannot remain spiritually-mentally in the past, or live in a distant future. To be in the body is to live in the present. When I am in my own body, I can also no longer identify with another person. That only works in fantasy, not in physical reality. Everyone can only be one with and identical to themselves within their own body.

A heart freed from the grip of our survival strategies now becomes available for our own lives, our own love, and all the feelings that come with it. This may include fear, anger, rage, shame, or pain. I can also acknowledge the hatred toward my mother and father, and admit that something that arose in my childhood and within my psyche has poisoned my relationships. Now, I can also let go of this hatred.

Social acceptance of genuine maternal love and our ability to love and be loved is humanity's greatest resource. However, modern society systematically undermines women's ability to be authentic—above all, to feel and show physical maternal love. Already during pregnancy, most women enter a medical system where they are monitored by prenatal care that overlooks their natural abilities and turns them and their bodies into objects of countless medical interventions. Even after having the child, women are often offered comprehensive help throughout early maternity care, such as modern educational measures.

Mothers and children are becoming increasingly estranged from one another. At the same time, there is also a high level of sexual violence against women, starting in early childhood and through the teenage years. This undermines and destroys women's ability to remain well-grounded in their bodies, their capacity to sense their own fundamental needs, and their ability to offer their living female organism to a child as a foundation for life and love.

As described earlier, the misogyny that has arisen in many men through hatred of their own mothers also leads to a gender war.

Against this background, entire societies are created where maternal love is more of an idea than a reality. We love the illusion of maternal love because genuine maternal love exists. Women in such societies have correspondingly unrealistic ideas about the man of their dreams and a desire for children and a family. They wrestle with this with great enthusiasm and personal commitment. Because of their own unprocessed life histories, this will prevent their dreams from being fulfilled. With great regularity, they will experience failure. Most do not really want to know about this, because doing so would mean coming into contact with primary fear and primal pain.

Therefore, it is also a breaking of taboos when I point so directly at the wound of maternal love. Most people initially react to this with anger. They want to fight against it and insist that such painful hurt does not exist. Large parts of feminism are also in a defensive struggle against motherhood, which is seen as too primitive and as discriminatory toward women, because maternal love fixes them to motherhood and thus excludes them from other social life.

Since the mother's mother is also a taboo in such societies, this hatred flows into all social structures. Anyone who disagrees with me, rejects me, fails to recognize me, or stands in the way of my needs.

Social dismissal of genuine maternal love

The ability to love and to be loved is a person's greatest resource. Yet, modern society systematically undermines women's ability to genuinely feel and express themselves, such as through primary physical maternal love. Already during pregnancy and childbirth, the majority of women fall under a medical system of monitoring and control that undermines their own capabilities, turning them and their bodies into objects for countless medical interventions. After the child is born, women are generally offered early childcare as a modern educational goal. Women and children are increasingly alienated from one another. In addition, many women experience a high degree of sexualized violence during their childhood and youth. This also undermines and destroys their ability to be well-grounded in their bodies, to feel their primary needs, and to offer their living feminine organism to a child as a foundation for life and love.

In addition, as described, the hatred toward women that has developed in many men as a result of the hatred toward their mothers leads to a war between the sexes.

In this way, entire societies are created where maternal love exists more as an idea and an illusion of love rather than as genuinely lived maternal love. Women in such societies have similarly unrealistic ideas of the ideal man, desired children, and a perfect family. They put a lot of energy and personal effort into these ideals. What actually prevents them from fulfilling their dreams and causes them to fail repeatedly is their own life history, which they really do not want to know about. This, in turn, awakens their primary fear and pain.

Therefore, it is also a taboo when I point so directly at the wound of maternal love.

Most people react with anger and contempt, do not want to know this painful truth, and respond with hostility. Entire factions of feminism are also in a defensive struggle against motherhood, which they perceive as primitive and discriminatory against women, because maternal love restricts women solely to motherhood and excludes them from other aspects of social life.

Since maternal hatred is also tabooed in such societies, this hatred flows into all social structures. Anyone who disagrees with me, rejects me, does not recognize me enough, gets in the way of my survival strategies, or does not share my worldview is at risk of receiving this hatred. Frustrated maternal love and the resulting maternal hatred lead to the world being divided into black and white, good or bad, friend or foe.

³ Michael Hüter (2018). Childhood 6.7. A Manifesto. Norderstedt: Books on Demand.

Politicians as mother-replacement figures

This leads most members of society to live with a deeply frustrated need for love. Almost everyone suffers from a lack of maternal love. As a result, their survival strategies are almost entirely outwardly focused. They must constantly seek and follow external distractions to cope with their psychological pain. They live in constant fear of abandonment and are trapped in the stress of building new relationships.

Because of illusions of love, they quickly enter and exit relationships involving the wrong kind of love – across all social spheres. Partners, their own children, friends, bosses, customers, voters … all are viewed, more or less unconsciously, through the lens of the love experience they had with their own mother.

Rejection, indifference, experiences of violence and hatred – all are blindly and unconsciously repeated within their respective contexts.

A mother's projections are also directed towards teachers, superiors, therapists, doctors, or politicians, as we view them as the only ones who can guide us through our lives. We fail to see that the responsibility for our own happiness always rests with ourselves.

It is no wonder that social leaders whom we—like small children—depend on for our happiness, also promote the idea that they are responsible for our lives. Influenced by the narcissism of their own childhoods, they become increasingly dominant. The more aggressive they become, the more we expect from them. Eventually, they treat us like minor children instead of simply fulfilling their obligation to serve the common good and the tasks they were actually entrusted with. The rejection of our own needs that we once had to endure within our families is now something we experience all over again on a societal level.

When women experience a major deficit of maternal love, politicians will seek to conquer positions of power. They are like the general population, no better than other men with a frustrated need for love. They are skilled at manipulating, controlling, and claiming that "as good men we must work harder, tighten our belts, and make sacrifices." At the same time, they act out their hatred toward the mother figure on the entire population.

Money cannot buy maternal love

Money can also become a substitute for maternal love. If I have money, I can fulfill all my wishes – this is also a major illusion. No one can buy maternal love with money. If someone cannot feel this to a sufficient degree, no amount of money in the world can achieve it. Therefore, for many people, most of their money is blown away on trauma survival strategies. This happens on a small scale with each and every one of us, and it also happens on a large scale at institutional and governmental levels.

World = saving mother

Cut off from our need to be loved by our mother, we fill our lives with desires to be a leader or an ideal savior of the world. This happens because our survival strategies complicate our lives while simultaneously destroying our shared world.

Our illusions will cause us to destroy more and more of the world. Here, we also encounter an endless array of ideas. Just as we became victims of lovelessness as children, we become perpetrators with a clear conscience as adults. In our competition to find world-saving ideas, we demand everything of ourselves and everyone else. We must sacrifice our own happiness for the idea of an ideal world—that is, mother.

In my view, this is also the root of globalism and the ideas carried by the small, needy child crying out for its mother. Otherwise, they wouldn't need to play God in their own imagination and ride the globe into misery.

Instead of working through the trauma caused by violence and war that past generations have endured, current generations continue to create new trauma, which we pass on to the next generation without thinking about it.

The system is everything, you do not count

This is how social systems emerge that seem to place themselves above the individual. They are considered more meaningful and important than the human being. Individuals must serve such systems, obeying seemingly "objective" laws rather than what would make sense to obey: education, health, culture, science, economic or political systems for the good of humanity.

Children who lack love accept such systems because it spares them from seeing the truth and feeling the pain of not being loved by their mother. Therefore, such systems must be gently kept alive by the original victims of maternal rejection. Perpetrators and accomplices are in the same boat here. They are secretly agreed not to touch upon their own pain. Instead, they project their hatred of their mother onto those who are not one of them. In traumatized societies, very few people have an idea of what coexistence based on love can look like in relationships, families, and society as a whole. Most people know what they do not want and do not like. On the other hand, the majority of people do not yet have a concept of what they truly want. In such traumatized societies, it is possible to achieve great personal success by looking outside oneself—in partnerships, family, money, and power. By avoiding being myself – being grounded within myself.

Acknowledge the fundamental misunderstandings

Conclusion: Love cannot be forced through violence, neither against others nor against oneself. It does not work. Such attempts only lead to constant tension, anger, aggression, stress, illness, and death. Love, and thus deep happiness in life, is also not for sale. Those who fail to recognize these misconceptions make themselves and others unhappy. The history of humanity demonstrates this misconception in thousands of facets, and it remains clear today. Whoever cannot find their own happiness in life envies the happiness of others and cannot bear to see others feel well and loved. You can observe this even among small children in the sandbox.

Finding your way back to self-love

Ever since I went through waves of pain from my mother's rejection, I have done everything I could to find my way back to my basic need to be loved. This brought me into contact with my deepest existential fear, my shame, my anger, and deep hatred toward both mother and father.

I now see myself and the world around me with new eyes. I feel my own unconditional love.

Everything I originally wanted from my mother, I can now give to myself. I feel that I can meet other people with greater openness after encountering this love. Because I now handle my previously unconscious longing for motherly love and overwhelming hunger for a father's care. With this in mind, I remember the fundamental need in all conflicts in my everyday life. I want to be loved, and I also want everyone else to have this fundamental need fulfilled. Gain access to it again. In this way, all conflicts can be resolved amicably, in constructive cooperation. "The world" = "I have to go to my mother with my ideas and efforts," no longer drives me.

I am valuable to myself and therefore also see other people as valuable. I see the people around me with different eyes. I see more clearly what is valuable to me and my life, and what is not.

Love and Help

Many people who are not truly present within themselves believe that they can and must help others. This is also a major mistake. What I offer to another person when I am not anchored in self-love ultimately ends up being nothing more than my own trauma survival strategies.

Similarly, I feel disappointed or even angry when others do not accept my offer of help. With survival strategies, you can only make another person happy if they also want nothing more than to survive. Because they have already fled their own life to avoid dealing with the pain of confronting the loving child within.

Help for survival, whether from one's own parents, teachers, or the state, is given or often even forced upon one. One is then considered ungrateful, perhaps even antisocial, if one declines such help.

When I offer help based on healthy self-love, however, I know that each person can only live their own life. No one can do it for another person and take away that responsibility.

What do I want during the "Corona" era?

I want to love and be loved. I want to live in relationships based on truth. I want to feel safe from violence and oppression. To everyone who thinks they need to do something good for me in times of "Corona": I don't want your masks, tests, and injections. I want genuine love that comes from your heart. If you can give me that, leave me in my freedom and leave me in peace. ⁴

Contact: Institute for Trauma Work / IoPT Norway www.iopt.no | marta@iopt.no | +47 916 67 211

⁴ Franz Ruppert (2021). I want love, truth and security. What happens to our basic needs in times of 'Corona'? My essay on building awareness. Munich: Eigenverlag.