I want to love and be loved. Dr. Franz Ruppert

A primary human need and the serious consequences when maternal love is lacking.

February 20, 2021 Translated by Sissel Bru Reksten, Josefine Røding and Marta Thorsheim

Longing for love - a human condition

I want to be loved - I claim that every human being has this need. It is a central need that originally says: I want to be loved by my mother.

The realization of mother is the first love relationship of any child. From the beginning of life, already prenatally, a child is full of love for his mother. The child is focused on the physical-emotional contact with her. For a child, there is no one more important than its mother. This is not surprising since every human being grows up in the mother's womb, needs her for better or worse, and is existentially dependent on her. From the beginning of life, every human being will possess an enormous capacity for love directed towards their mother and a correspondingly equal longing to be loved by their mother.

There is nothing wrong with that. It's part of the primal condition of humanity. As humans, we reproduce sexually and children grow in their mother's womb. Therefore, the love for one's mother and the longing for her is part of the human condition. Just as it is the nature of birds to have wings with which to fly, it is human nature that we are able to love and want to be loved. In many ways, these are our wings.

Love and Fear

Love and fear are enemies within the psyche. Where there is fear, there is little room for love. Fear activates the stress system in the human organism. Where fear exists, anger, aggression and compulsive thinking and behavior will also arise. These emotions and attitudes to life are the seeds of violence.

Love is the antidote to fear. Love can neutralize fear. People who love can also relate well and appropriately to their fears. In addition, interpersonal trust cannot occur without love.

Lack of motherly love

What happens when a child's need for love is not adequately met by his or her mother? What happens when one's own mother does not want the child, rejects and rejects the child? Or if she is completely indifferent to the child? Or even goes to war with her own child and tortures it physically and emotionally? What happens if, because of her own history, she is unable to love her child with all her heart and body? And what if she herself suffers from a lack of maternal love because she didn't get her need for love met by her mother either?

Suppression of the need for love

In all these cases where the need for love is insufficiently answered, a child will fall into existential stress. To survive this horror, a child will have no choice but to suppress its primary need for maternal love. The pain of not being wanted, not being loved or not being protected from the violence of one's own mother, the fear of being left behind and abandoned by her, is so strong that it breaks the child's psyche. The child has to give up the wholeness of his or her psyche and split categorically into three parts:

• Some continue to be realistic and repeatedly experience the horror of their mother's indifference, rejection or violence.
• Another part stores these repetitive, unbearable rejection experiences.
• This part is stuck in the trauma and is hindered by a third psychic structure so that it cannot heal.
• Time allows the fear of being abandoned and the pain of not being loved to characterize its own experiences.

This necessarily leads to trauma survival strategies that are separated from reality, that create their own psychic world for themselves, that maintain the illusion that the child's own mother will love him despite all conflicting experiences and desires to be attached to her forever in love. All that is needed is to make enough effort and give the mother everything she needs and demands. Rather than experiencing his own distress, he experiences his mother as demanding and burdened. The child therefore tries to meet her needs and alleviate her suffering. The child experiences himself as unworthy of being loved and feels guilt and shame about his own existence. In this section, the child over-analyzes his mother, why she likes this and finds a thousand reasons to justify and excuse her behavior.

At the same time, the part that I call the "traumatized part" will watch powerlessly, but also full of rage, how the survival part sacrifices itself in its illusions of love for its own mother and neglects and ignores itself. Love illusions go hand in hand with the abandonment of one's own "I" and "Will" and thus one betrays oneself. On this path, the little love-needy being that we once were at the start of our existence gradually becomes a seemingly healthy adult, who seems healthy to oneself, but who at the same time rejects oneself with its healthy primal needs and largely accepts everything that harms oneself - and expects the same of others. Thus, the rejection initiated by one's own mother became a rejection of one's own stable inner authority: "Don't cry, don't be needy and weak! Pull yourself together!" "I must be strong, must not show my emotions, and certainly not cry!" becomes the motto for the rest of my life.

Some people will also say that they have never wanted to be loved by their mother. They have always been suspicious of her and kept their distance from her. They have even fought against her all their lives. They obscure the beginning of their life where this deep longing for a warm mother exists, or they have buried this longing behind thick walls of psychological defense.

Mother's love mixed with pain, fear, anger, shame and guilt

If a mother, for whatever reason, does not reciprocate the child's need for love with her own love, the child cannot simply stop loving its mother. Therefore, the subject of love for the child becomes charged with negative emotions such as fear, anger, pain, shame and guilt. This leads the child to increasingly distance herself from her original need to want to be loved by her mother. Love therefore emerges as something very complicated, and totally unattainable.

Replacement needs, love illusions and love delusions

The original need for love has now been replaced by abstract ideas of love, which are linked to replacement needs such as:

• I imagine that my mother thinks of me as often as I think of her.
• I'm very calm and well-mannered, I don't create any problems for her.
• If I'm a good girl or a good boy, my mother will appreciate me for it.
• I help her with household chores, take care of my brothers and sisters and get recognition from her for doing so.
• When I get good grades at school, my mom is happy.
• I want my mother to be proud of me.
• I don't want to be a burden to my mother.
• It's my own fault if I don't get enough love from her.
• All I really want for her is for her to be happy and content.
• I want to forgive her for everything and be reconciled with her in the end.
• ...

The greater the experience of lack of maternal love, the more humble the child becomes. The more they are content with very little. They are still looking for that last crumb of mother love to hold on to. They get caught up in their own ideas of mother love and find a thousand reasons why their mother couldn't help and treated them unlovingly. They idealize their mother and honor her. These ideas become more and more illusions of love and eventually delusions of love.

Children who are emotionally attached to their mother's pain and suffering in this way identify with her worries and stress. They have no present or future for themselves. They are psychologically stuck in their mother's past and the conflict of their ancestors. This is how human destinies repeat themselves over generations without anything new happening. External developments in technology, education or knowledge, for example, change nothing.

Anger, rage and hatred for mom

A child's frustrated need for love also creates anger and rage. With these emotional reactions, the child tries to get the mother's attention and to make her aware that they feel neglected and unloved by her. If the mother responds appropriately, the child's anger will calm down. If not, the rage will increase to hatred towards the mother. Pure hatred sometimes speaks from the eyes of the child, because they feel powerless to achieve the affection they long for from their mother. But even this hatred must eventually decompose into a child who has suppressed their own emotional needs. It then lives underground in the child's psyche and poisons it. At the same time, it looks for outlets in countless creative ways. It can easily be directed at a sibling who the child thinks is getting more love and attention from their mother, even though this is not the case. This hatred can lead to destruction: It can go beyond the toy or the eyes of the favorite doll. Be expressed towards the teddy bear by tearing off its arms and legs. Other children can also easily become targets of hatred. The same applies to teachers and later also to counselors, therapists or politicians.

It is fatal when this childish hatred of her own mother is later directed at her own child. By hating their own child, many women continue the fight against their own mother.

For men, the repressed hatred of the mother can easily be projected onto women in general. "All women are loose, except mom!".

The search for surrogate mothers

Since the child lacks maternal love, they look for a substitute for that love. If available, many children want the love from their father that they do not otherwise receive from their mother. In this way, they usually also get into an emotionally confused and complicated relationship with their father. Since all hope now rests on him, the father is often idealized. Even the few feelings he shows towards a child turn out to be overrated by the child compared to a cold and inaccessible mother.

No matter how loving a father is to his child, he cannot compensate for his child's lack of a loving mother, nor can he heal the pain of rejection, the fear of abandonment, and the anger and hatred towards the mother that comes with it.

After all my therapeutic experiences, I now know for sure: Mother's love is unique. It is bound to one's own mother. Therefore, no one can replace our mother and her love: no father, no grandmother, no babysitter, no adoptive mother, no nurse, or other caregiver.

Unfortunately, the search for a substitute for maternal love also makes children highly vulnerable to emotional and sexual abuse. Someone who can read the hunger for love in a child's eyes finds it easy to trick the child into making him or her feel special. In this way, they can seduce them into doing things that they certainly don't want to do. The worldwide lack of maternal love is the reason for the corresponding pandemic worldwide sexual abuse of children within and outside families.

Anger, rage and hatred towards father

Because many fathers also fail to give a child the love they desperately need, they give them another reason for anger, rage and hatred. Rejecting one's own father is psychologically easier than hating one's own mother. In many cases, hatred for the father is a disguise for hatred for the mother. Therefore, a child may even internally unite with the mother in the fight against an obvious "idiot" of a father, who left early, or when he was there, rampages, fights, screams and drinks.

Even in psychotherapy, the obvious father-hatred is focused on and discussed in many facets. Unfortunately, it only serves to further deny the underlying hatred for the mother.

Repetition of the primary love relationship

Because the relationship with our mother plays out unconsciously in our psyche, the quality of our primary love relationship repeats itself in all subsequent love relationships in our life. Fear, anger, rage, hatred and deep pain from the relationship with mother flow into all other relationships where we have hope for love. The suppression of our feelings, the fundamental distrust of another person, and the reluctance to express our need for love will, in these circumstances, become the principles on which we build our love relationships.

A person who carries the pain of a child unloved by their mother in their heart will never fully open their heart again. They remain cautious because they don't want to feel this existentially threatening primal pain again. The pain that slumbers within their unresolved maternal relationship. Such new love relationships usually become a spasmodic attempt to maintain mental control over one's own needs and emotions in fear of falling back into early trauma feelings. The inevitable defeat of such relationships only leads to looking for new love relationships again and again. As long as the unconscious processes of one's own psyche are not understood, this will persist throughout one's life.

Falling in love and love

The desire to be loved is about a permanent affirmation of oneself. I want to be emotionally accepted by another person just as I am. Yet, love with another person cannot replace self-love. Relationships and friendships are not a substitute, but only an addition to self-love.

It is difficult for many people to understand the subject of love, because they cannot properly distinguish between love and infatuation. Infatuation is a state that periodically occurs in a person due to hormonal releases. They are then ready to mate. Upon mating, this state has more or less reached its purpose and will therefore subside again. Human reproduction can also occur completely without love. Sexual desire alone is sufficient. Even in a situation of violence, children can arise.

For men, the job in terms of reproduction is finished by the sexual act. Women, on the other hand, cannot rejoice with their children without love. Their fertility as women must be accompanied by motherly love, otherwise motherhood will be a disaster for her and her children. This motherly love must also be even stronger than love for any other person, whether it is her own mother, her husband, or another child she has already given birth to. If a woman is afraid of her husband, it is also a disaster for her and her child. She cannot protect herself or her child from her husband's invasion, assault and violence.

For men, being a father is an opportunity to develop their ability to love. Something that is inherent in the human nature of every man. Then he develops further and can grow out of his competitive orientation. They can learn that sexual pleasure is not a substitute for their need to be loved as a man, just as they are. In this way, he can also understand that he is a fellow human being and a unique, separate human being - neither wife nor own children come first.

As a little tip for those who long for partnership and marriage: Don't marry someone who is not yet married to themselves.

After the state of infatuation subsides, the underlying psychological reality related to love will re-emerge. Then the psychological dynamic wins: A disappointed child's need for mother's and father's love regains the upper hand and is brought into the partner relationship. Hatred of mother and father blends into the everyday relationship. The intimate partner is now the ever-present target. In this way, the partnership sometimes becomes a repetition of the hell experienced as a child, with father and mother.

Is "narcissism" self-love?

There is a psychiatric diagnosis called "narcissistic personality disorder". The characteristics are mentioned as:

• Has a grandiose idea of one's own importance (e.g. exaggerates one's own achievements and talents; expects to be considered superior without corresponding achievements).
• Are strongly captivated by the wonders of boundless success, power, glamor, beauty or ideal love.
• Believe themselves to be "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special and respected people (or institutions) or can only associate with them and no one else.
• Requires excessive admiration.
• Showing a sense of entitlement (e.g. excessive expectation of special treatment or automatic response to their expectations).
• Is exploitative in interpersonal relationships (e.g. takes advantage of others for their own benefit).
• Shows a lack of empathy: is unwilling to understand or identify the feelings and needs of others.
• Is often jealous of others or thinks others are jealous of him/her.
• Displays arrogant behavior or attitude ¹

¹ https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narzisstische_Pers%C3%B6nlichkeitsst%C3%B6rung accessed 15.2.2021

People who display such traits apparently want to be the center of attention and to be admired. Why do they do that? Because they obviously need it psychologically! Because they feel small and insignificant without constant admiration from others. They are ashamed of their being. In my experience, this mainly happens when, as a child, you weren't wanted by your mother. They are therefore ashamed to exist at all. This shame from the relationship with their own mother must be compensated for with power, money, fame and glamor.

Usually they have also received the message from their father that they are small and stupid compared to him and do not in any way surpass or outshine him.

"Narcissistic" people can show compassionate behavior towards other people. However, this compassion is very calculating and manipulative. As long as the other person plays along and satisfies one's own narcissistic needs, this works well for a while. But there will surely come a point where the narcissistic compassion transforms into rejection and often pure hatred, as soon as the repressed primal pain from the maternal relationship is pushed to the surface again. ²

The projects of madness

The fundamental misunderstanding in such a survival strategy for a traumatized parental relationship exists in this idea:" As long as I am important enough to others, then I am also important to mom and dad. I want to be worthy of love from mom and dad." As many others also strive for the same, it quickly leads to a sense of competition. They will try to force others out of the field. In this way, entire societies can become a pack of sharks of narcissistically disturbed people who sell or impose their own grandiose projects on their fellow human beings, based on their own childish needs and desires. Such projects are usually megalomaniacal and easily exceed the limits of what we can understand as possible ("Today Germany, tomorrow the whole world!"). But often their goals change quickly, seemingly both ingeniously and grandiosely.

These ideas may be pipe dreams, but they can drag millions of people to their doom, as long as the narcissist has the power and financial resources to carry out their will. It is not only the children of ruling dynasties, where there is often as much lack of genuine maternal love as paternal love as there is between so-called ordinary people, that energize their narcissism in many variations. Even people who come from poor origins have ideas that they would be better off if they belonged to the rich, powerful and famous. They are therefore easily seduced and bought by those who have the corresponding power and financial means. Therefore, time and time again, people from humble beginnings have reached the top of the spotlight in world politics. They become the docile puppets of the actually powerful and rich.

Tyrants and murderers also want to be loved

Unfortunately, many ordinary, originally good people live by the motto: "If I am not loved, others should at least live in fear and look up to me in horror". One trains oneself to adopt a hostile attitude and acquire the means of power and weapons one can use to threaten others, bring them under control and, if necessary, kill them. So don't such people want to be loved?

These people also have a basic need to be loved by their mothers and countless survival strategies and entanglements in the mother's trauma. There are many people with loveless, abusive fathers and psychological wounds. In this world, that also applies to people in families like Trump's, Xi Jinping's, Erdogan's, Merkel's, Putin's, etc. They also basically only want love in their hearts. So that's why they always want to be at the center of an audience. And note the following: They want to be admired by their people and maybe even be recognized by humanity for their achievements. That's why it can be difficult to relinquish power once they've taken it. Initially, they will force love and affection with all the violence and power at their disposal, or as children do on the playground when handing out gifts to children around them. To make themselves popular, they need to buy journalists, ministers and advisors who take responsibility and make themselves dependent on them. That way they can trust them not to say bad things about them. This is basically an easy game to see through.

Tyrants and dictators rely on dependency. They want other people who are politically, economically, socially and psychologically dependent on them. They pressure them with the corresponding "dossiers" that they create for their counterparts. But in reality, they are also psychologically dependent on other people. They are alone when they have no one to fight with. Inside they are empty, because they have split off their own basic needs and they can no longer feel themselves. Therefore, they must constantly fill themselves with external experiences. In this way, they achieve the opposite of what they secretly want. In reality, no one loves them. If only these people could experience once how easy it is for people's hearts to reach out to you when you show your feelings openly and authentically! If they too express their pain. Then they would realize that this is what they really need and that it doesn't even require much effort.

² Hans-Joachim Maaz (2012). The narcissistic society. A psychogram. Munich: C.H. Beck.

Going through the primary pain

Loneliness is a result of suppressed basic needs and the feelings that come with it. WHO cuts us off from our healthy needs and turns our body, among other things, into an object that is treated as an object by others.

The mistakes, illusions and delusions that our trauma survival strategies present us with will only be seen through by acknowledging our fear of abandonment and by accepting our own pain - and by accepting that we were not loved by our mother. This pain that is pushed away, often with drugs or medication designed to cover up damage that has already been done. It makes the human being unreal - an empty shell, with a brain that keeps going without stopping. We try to understand with thoughts what can only be felt. When the original childhood pain of not being loved by a mother is covered up, we are forced to repeat it for the rest of our lives, in a thousand variations. We deny the original pain and are unable to love ourselves.

For this reason, one cannot give love to others either. On the contrary - one's own unresolved primal pain makes us inflict just as much pain on others. Our own children and people who depend on us are abused in our illusion that we can dump our own pain on others. It helps in the short term, but not in the long term.

On the other hand, primal pain allows us to experience ourselves as a real person again. Through this pain, we come home to the living human organism that we are. Emotionally rooted in our body, we cannot remain spiritually-mentally in the past, or live in a distant future. To be in the body is to live in the present. When I am in my own body, I can no longer identify with another person either. It only works in the imagination, not in physical reality. Everyone can only be one with and identical to themselves in their own body.

A heart freed from the tentacles of our survival strategies now becomes available to our own life, our own love and all the emotions that come with it. It can be fear, anger, rage, shame or pain. I can also think about the hatred of my mother and father and admit that something that arose in my childhood and in my psyche has poisoned my relationships. Now I can also let go of this hatred.

Social acceptance of true maternal love and our ability to love and be loved is mankind's greatest asset. However, modern society systematically undermines women's ability to be real. Above all, to feel and show physical maternal love. Already during pregnancy, most women enter a medical system where they are monitored by a birth control system that ignores their own abilities and makes them and their bodies the object of countless medical interventions. Even after having the baby, during early maternity care, women will often be offered help across the board, like modern educational interventions.

Mothers and children are becoming increasingly estranged from each other. At the same time, there is also a lot of sexual violence against women, from early childhood and adolescence. It undermines and destroys women's ability to be firmly rooted in their bodies, the ability to feel their own basic needs and the ability to offer their living female organism to a child as the basis for its life and love.

As described earlier, the misogyny that has arisen in many men through hatred of their own mothers also leads to a gender war.

Based on this, entire societies are created where motherly love is more of an idea than a reality. We love the illusion of mother love because real mother love exists. Women in such societies have similarly unreal ideas about the man of their dreams and a desire for children and a family. They deal with this with great zeal and personal commitment. Because of their own unprocessed life stories, this will prevent their dreams from coming true. With great regularity, they will experience failure. Most people don't really want to know about this, because it would be to get in touch with the primal fear and primal pain.

That's why it's also a mistake when I put my finger so directly into wounded motherly love. Most people initially react to this with anger. They want to fight it and insist that there is no such pain. Large parts of feminism are also in a defensive struggle against motherhood, which is supposed to be too primitive and which appears to discriminate against women, because motherly love fixes them on motherhood and thus excludes them from other social life.

Since the mother's mother is also taboo in such societies, this hatred flows into all social structures. Anyone who doesn't agree with me, who rejects me, who doesn't recognize me and who stands in my way.

Social ignoring of true mother love

The ability to love and to be loved is the greatest resource a human being can have. Yet, modern society systematically undermines women's ability to feel and show genuine e.g. primary physical maternal love. Already during pregnancy and the birthing process, the majority of women fall under a medical system of surveillance and control that undermines their own abilities and turns them and their bodies into objects for countless medical interventions. After the child is born, women are generally offered early care for their children as a modern educational goal. Women and children are increasingly alienated from each other3. In addition, there is a high degree of sexualized violence that many women experience during their own childhood and adolescence. This also undermines and destroys their ability to be well grounded in their body, to feel their primary needs and also to be able to offer their living feminine organism to a child as a foundation for life and love.

In addition, as described, the hatred of women that has developed in many men as a result of the hatred of their mothers leads to a war between the sexes.

In this way, whole societies are created where maternal love exists rather as an idea and illusion of love than as real lived maternal love. Women in such societies have similarly unrealistic ideas of the ideal man, of desired children and a perfect family. They put a lot of energy and personal effort into these ideals. What actually prevents them from fulfilling their dreams and causes them to constantly fail, their own life story, they really don't want to know. That in turn awakens their primal fears and pain.

That's why it's also taboo for me to put my finger so directly on the subject of motherly love.

Most people react with anger and contempt and do not want to know this painful truth and are offensive against it. Whole factions of feminism are also in a defensive struggle against motherhood, which they perceive as primitive and discriminatory against women, because mother love limits them to motherhood only and excludes them from other aspects of social life.

Since hatred for mothers is also taboo in such a society, the hatred flows into all social structures. Anyone who does not agree with me, who rejects me, does not recognize me enough, gets in the way of my survival structures, does not share my worldview, is in danger of getting this hatred. Frustrated maternal love and the following maternal hatred leads to the world being divided into black and white, good or bad, friend or foe.

³ Michael Hüter (2018). Childhood 6.7. A Manifesto. Norderstedt: Books on Demand.

Politicians as mother substitutes

As a result, most members of society live with a deeply frustrated need for love. Almost everyone suffers from a lack of maternal love. As a result, their survival strategies are almost exclusively oriented towards the outside. They must constantly seek and follow external distractions to manage their psychological pain. They live in constant fear of being abandoned and caught up in the stress associated with building new relationships.

Because of love illusions, they quickly move in and out of relationships with the wrong love - in all social spheres. Partners, own children, friends, bosses, customers, voters ... all are seen more or less unconsciously, through the lens of the love experience with own mother.

Rejection, indifference, experiences of violence and hatred - everything is blindly and unconsciously repeated in the respective context.

Maternal projections are also directed towards teachers, superiors, therapists, doctors or politicians, in that we see them as the only ones who can help us through our lives. We fail to see that the responsibility for our own happiness always lies with ourselves.

No wonder that social leaders on whom we - like small children - depend for our happiness, also raise the idea that they are responsible for our lives. Characterized by their own childhood narcissism, they become more and more dominant. The more aggressive they become, the more we expect from them. In the end, they treat us like underage children instead of just being committed to a common good and the task they are actually set to solve. What we have already had to endure in terms of rejection of our own needs in our family, we now experience anew on a social level.

When women have a huge deficit of maternal love, politicians will conquer positions of power. They are like the rest of the population, no better than other men with a frustrated need for love. They are skilled at manipulating, controlling and saying that "as good men, we have to work harder, tighten our belts and sacrifice ourselves". At the same time, they act out their hatred of mothers on the entire population.

Money can't buy motherly love

Money can also become a substitute for motherly love. If I have money, I can fulfill all my desires - this is also a great illusion. No one can buy motherly love with money. If someone cannot feel this to a sufficient degree, it cannot be achieved for any money in the world. Therefore, for many people, most of the money they have is blown away on trauma survival strategies. This happens on a small scale with each and every one of us, and it also happens on a large scale at the institutional and governmental level.

The world = save mom

Disconnected from our need to be loved by our mother, we fill our lives with desires to be a leader, or an ideal world savior. This is because with our survival strategies we complicate our own lives, while destroying our shared world.

Our illusions will contribute to us destroying more and more of the world. Here we also encounter an infinity of ideas. In the same way that as children we were victims of lovelessness, as adults we become perpetrators with a clear conscience. In the competition for world-saving ideas, we demand everything from ourselves and everything from everyone else. We have to sacrifice our own happiness for the idea of an ideal world, i.e. mom.

In my opinion, these are also the roots of globalism and the ideas the little needy child crying out for its mother has in it. If they didn't, they wouldn't have to play god in their own imagination and ride the globe into misery.

Instead of working through the trauma of violence and war that previous generations have endured, current generations continue to create new trauma, which we unwittingly pass on to the next generation.

The system is everything, you don't count

In this way, social systems emerge that seem to place themselves above the individual. They are more significant and important than the individual. Individuals must serve such systems, obeying seemingly "objective" laws, rather than what would make sense to obey: education, health, culture, science, economic or political systems for the good of mankind.

Loveless children accept such systems because it saves them from seeing the truth and feeling the pain of not being loved by their mother. Therefore, such systems must be carefully kept alive by the original victims of maternal rejection. Abusers and accomplices are in the same boat here. They secretly agree not to touch their own pain. Instead, they inflict their maternal hatred on those who are not one of them. In traumatized societies, therefore, few people have an idea of what coexistence based on love can look like in relationships, families and society as a whole. The majority of them know what they don't want and don't like. What they really want, on the other hand, the majority of people do not even have an idea of. In such traumatized societies, it's possible to achieve great personal success by looking outside oneself, in partnerships, family, money and power. By avoiding being me - being stable in myself.

Acknowledge the basic misconceptions

Conclusion: Love cannot be forced with violence, neither against others nor against oneself. It does not work. Such attempts only lead to constant tension, anger, aggression, stress, illness and death. Love, and thus deep happiness in life, is also not available for purchase. Those who do not recognize these fallacies make themselves and others unhappy. Human history shows the fallacy in thousands of facets and it is also evident today. Those who do not find their own happiness in life envy the happiness of others and cannot tolerate others feeling good and loved. You can see this even in small children in the sandbox.

Finding your way back to self-love

Ever since I went through waves of pain from my mother's rejection, I have done what I could to find my way back to my basic need to be loved. This is how I got in touch with my deepest existential fears, my shame, my anger, my rage and deep hatred towards both mother and father.

I now see myself and the world around me with new eyes. I feel my own unconditional love.

Everything I originally wanted from my mother I can now give myself. I feel that I can meet other people with greater openness after I met this love. Because I now deal with my previously unconscious longing for mother's love and overwhelming hunger for father's care. With this in mind, I remember the basic need in all conflicts in my everyday life. I want to be loved and I also want everyone else to be able to fulfill this basic need. Get access to it again. This is how all conflicts can be resolved amicably, constructively and collaboratively. "The world" = "I have to go to my mother with my ideas and efforts," no longer drives me.

I am valuable to myself and therefore also see other people as valuable. I see people around me with different eyes. I see more clearly what is valuable to me, to my life, and what is not.

Love and help

Many people, who are not present in themselves, believe that they can and must help others. This is also a big mistake. What I offer another person when I am not in my self-love can ultimately only be my own trauma survival strategies.

Similarly, I get disappointed or even angry when others do not accept my offer of help. With survival strategies, you can only make another person happy if they want nothing more than to survive. Because they have already fled their own life to avoid dealing with the pain of being confronted with the loving child inside them.

Survival assistance, be it from your own parents, from teachers or from the state, is given or often even forced upon you. If you refuse such help, you are considered ungrateful, perhaps even antisocial.

However, when I provide help on the basis of healthy self-love, I know that every person can only live their own life. No one can do it for the other and take out that responsibility on him.

What do I want in the time of "Corona"?

I want to love and be loved. I want to live in relationships based on truth. I want to feel safe from violence and oppression. To everyone who thinks they have to do something good for me in times of "Corona": I don't want their masks, tests and syringes. I want real love that comes from your heart. If you can give it to me, leave me in my freedom and leave me in peace. ⁴

Contact: Institute for Trauma Work / IoPT Norway www.iopt.no | marta@iopt.no | +47 916 67 211

⁴ Franz Ruppert (2021). I want love, truth and security. What happens to our basic needs in times of 'Corona'? My chronicle of becoming conscious. Munich: Eigenverlag.