Written by Julia Eggert February 2022
Introduction
Writing this thesis has been a separate process for me. It was a big challenge to find enough time and energy to write alongside my job and practice with my clients. But at the same time it was fantastic to be able to sit and reflect on IoPT and myself in the trauma therapist role. Through this process I have found much more clarity and I have learned a lot about myself, at the same time I have come across many more questions that I would like to explore in my future journey both as a client and a trauma therapist.
Originally, I wanted to focus my thesis on a particular topic, namely food allergies and intolerances. I thought it would be interesting to explore how the clients approach this challenge with their intention and what comes up in the selfencounters. I found several practice clients who have food allergies and intolerances, but none of the clients addressed this problem in their intentions. Therefore, I chose to write this thesis as a general reflection on what I have learned. The process of finding practice clients felt very demanding at first, because it was uncomfortable for me to be visible and show myself online. Although I have become increasingly confident in being visible, I would like to process it in a selfencounter, because I feel that there are some blocks (survival strategies) in me. Before the practice clients came to the first selfencounter, we had an informal conversation on the phone, where I introduced myself and told about IoPT and the intention method and answered any questions. It was important for me to get to know the person and tell them about IoPT. Before the client had his first selfencounter, I also spent plenty of time talking about the psyche, Ruppert's splitting model, the procedure for the selfencounters and NTF's ethical guidelines. I received feedback from the clients that they felt looked after and safe.
Since I had very limited time due to my job, I was only able to facilitate ten selfencounters before the submission of this assignment. However, I will continue with the exercise client until the end of the program. I have worked with six different exercise clients (two men, four women) over the last few months. In the following I give a short summary about the human psyche and psychotrauma and write about three selected selfencounters of two clients. Furthermore, I write about my experience in the therapist role and my learning effect.
The human psyche and psychotrauma
The human psyche is our fundamental tool for understanding the reality we live in and through it we come into contact with our surroundings. Our psyche is an information processing system, which includes our senses and emotions, and it helps us understand both the external (objective) and internal (subjective) world.1 When we have a healthy psyche, our body and our psyche form a unity. Then we can develop a healthy self, which is our inner reference point and a healthy will. We are subjects who can distinguish between 'I' and 'you', past and present, inner and outer.2 When we are traumatized, we lose this connection (unity) between body and mind. The splitting that occurs during traumatization becomes a permanent condition in the psyche and the psyche becomes fragmented. The younger we are, the more easily our psyche is traumatized, because as children we don't have the resources to handle a lot of stress. This trauma energy is repeated later in life as long as we do not integrate the consequences of the traumatization.
Psychotrauma occurs when something we experience is too overwhelming for us and we no longer have the capacity to deal with it. As a result of the trauma, our psyche consists of different parts: traumatized parts (TD), trauma survival parts (TOD) and healthy parts (SD).3 In a selfencounter, we can see the reflection of our psyche. Everything we encounter in the process is in us today, even if the trauma happened a long time ago. All structures (parts) that we encounter in selfencounters are a reflection of our self. Selfencounters initiate the inner self-healing forces within us and through the intention we get the opportunity to get in touch with our implicit memories and trauma feelings.4 Then we can process our victim and abuser attitudes and actions. In a selfencounter, we just start the process and we activate our self-healing powers. IoPT is a theory and method that is still under development.
General observations during the selfencounters
One-on-one as the first selfencounter
I had one client digitally via zoom and all other clients physically, and I worked both one-on-one with felt markers and in groups with a resonance transducer. All practice clients were new to IoPT, but had been to various therapies or psychologists before. When it came to IoPT therapy, almost everyone wanted to start with a selfencounter one-on-one instead of working in a group. It felt safer for the clients and they could get to know both me and the therapy form. I observed that the clients very quickly became confident with the method and curious about working in a group with a resonance giver. For me, it was very nice to experience how the clients developed and opened up to working in a group.
The ego is not included as a resonance element
"I've noticed that almost none of the intention givers chose to include their ego as an element in the first selfencounters. This indicates that the self is so disconnected that the intention giver has no contact with it. When the ego is missing, we have no inner reference point for our thoughts, feelings and thinking. Then our will also lacks something to orient itself towards.5 When the self was not present, it was also demanding for me as a therapist to find the self in the psychological structure that is mirrored in selfencounter.
The difficulty of being autonomous in the process
I observed that the intention givers were very focused on me in the beginning, because they were used to asking the therapist or psychologist for advice and what to do. But in IoPT we don't give advice, we just support the client in being more autonomous. It's very important that I, as a trauma therapist, don't create a relationship where the intention-setter becomes dependent on me, because that leaves the intention-setter stuck in love trauma and unable to get in touch with identity trauma.6 I could see that it was challenging for many exercise clients to choose an intention themselves. Most of them asked for guidance and help because they were unsure which intention and which resonance elements to choose. I pointed out to them how fundamental it is to choose their intention themselves and that we can only work with IoPT if the client can formulate their intention autonomously.
Cases: Reflection of selected selfencounters
Case A:
This was the first selfencounter of client A (female), which took place digitally via zoom one-on-one.
The client formulated the intention like this: Why does my body hurt?
The intention giver chose the body and pain as elements. The body was a trauma part, which was 4-5 years old and felt very cold, lonely and sad. It is characteristic of trauma parts that they remain at the age at which the traumatization occurred, since they were split off from the psyche and thus cannot develop further. 8 During the process, it is important that we find out the age of the parts to see how far in development this psychic structure has come. Then the intention giver can recognize and get in touch with what she/he had needed in this stage of development. The cold feeling is also a characteristic of trauma parts. When our self has the subjective sense of danger, our fight/flight mechanism is activated. But when the stress level is so high that the organism can't take it anymore, we go into freeze (where the actual traumatization and separation takes place) and a consequence is dissociation or identification.
The intention giver told us that her little brother was born when she was 4 years old. Her parents were only concerned about the little baby. She felt very lonely in her relationship with her mother, because she was not emotionally available. This is an example of the love trauma, and shows how the child had to split off her self and her will in order to be in contact with her mother. In order for the intention giver to get in emotional contact with herself, I asked what she needs as a 4-5 year old. She said :I need support and understanding and started to cry. Eventually, the intention giver was able to express that she needs her mother to hold her. Then she held herself and got a warm feeling in her body.
When the intentioner resonated badly, she felt fear and got in touch with herself as a 7-year-old and a memory when she was excluded from play and bullied by some neighborhood girls. She didn't dare to tell her home how she felt, because she thought her parents wouldn't understand her and that they had just said that these things happen and that she should pull herself together. The fact that the intention giver did not dare to show her feelings is characteristic of the love trauma, because the child tries to take control of her feelings and thus unconsciously takes responsibility for the mother's trauma.10 The intention giver came into emotional contact when she recognized and felt that she could not express her feelings and be herself.
When our existential symbiotic needs (e.g. to be warm and connected, to be seen, to be understood, to be supported) are not met by the mother, we cannot form a healthy self. From the IoPT, we know that underneath the trauma of love lies the trauma of identity (Trauma Triad: Not Wanted - Not Loved - Not Protected).11 In this selfencounter, I learned again how trauma manifests itself in the body and expresses itself through various symptoms later in life. After the selfencounter, the client had a pleasant feeling in their body and could feel warmth and contact with themselves. For me, it's magical to see how the energy is released when we get in touch with our disconnected feelings and a warm feeling flows through the body again.
Case B:
This was the first selfencounter of client B (female), which took place physically one-on-one with felt markers. I use felt markers in different colors and three sizes. The client formulated the intention like this: Why don't I want to teach children anymore?
The essence of this self-encounter was the resonance with the element not, where the intention giver came into contact with a part of herself at the age of adolescence (13-14 years), which felt free and adult, but at the same time also tense in the body. The intention giver said that she grew up quickly and that she had a fantastic adolescence. She loved life, felt free and did what she wanted. The intention giver talked a lot and had little contact with herself. By talking a lot instead of feeling, we distract ourselves from ourselves, which is a survival strategy. 12 Survival parts suppress and deny the trauma to avoid getting in touch with trauma feelings.
To support the intention giver to get in touch with herself, I asked how her relationship was with her parents, when she was an adolescent. The intentioner reflected and said that her parents didn't care what she did and that there were no boundaries. From the IoPT, we know that we have both symbiotic and autonomous needs. The older we get, the smaller our symbiotic needs become and the greater our autonomy needs become. But in our teenage years, we still need our parents. We need to be seen and receive support and guidance. I asked the intention giver what she needs as a 13-14 year old, to guide her to her existential symbiotic needs and the feelings associated with it. The intention giver felt and answered that she needs her parents to say no, set limits for her and make sure she does her homework and focuses on school. Then she got in touch with her feelings and cried. She could now recognize that her adolescence wasn't as perfect as she told herself, but that she had needed her parents to care, be interested in her and look after her. Through this realization and emotional connection, the tension in her body loosened and she got a warm feeling in her body. The trauma that emerged in this selfencounter was the trauma of love. It became clear that the client was living in the illusion that she had a wonderful adolescence, idealizing the image of her parents, who gave her so much freedom and no limits. This is a characteristic trauma survival strategy of the love trauma.
The same client chose to work with the following intention in their next selfencounter: Why don't I dare to Lead? This selfencounter was physical in a group with a resonator.
The self felt small, sad and lonely. It emerged that the intention giver was often surrounded by adults as a child. She had to be a good adult herself and adapt to the expectations of the adults. It was difficult for the intention giver to look at her self. I encouraged the intention giver to try to speak to and look directly at her parts and not focus on me, so that she can get in touch with herself and to strengthen her autonomy.15 I suggested the phrase I want to be a child, and when the intention giver repeated the phrase she got in emotional contact and could feel the sadness that she was not allowed to be herself as a child. The phrase also resonated very much with the self and the intender and the part connected, because she had opened up emotionally.
The part where Lede felt frustrated and was not so interested in talking to the intent giver. Lede also felt impatient and stressed, which the client recognized from himself. Since the client had chosen a man, I referred to a possible identification. Lede told me that he feels like a man and the intention giver confirmed that the part reminds her of her father, who was very frustrated and impatient. Identification is a survival strategy that we use to connect, where I = you or I = we, or I = a cause. The first identification is always with mom, because she is our first relationship and at the start of our life she is our whole world. Coming into contact with our mother's rejection is one of the most painful things we can feel. In order to survive, we have to give up our own identity and identify with something that is outside ourselves. We lose our self as a point of reference and we can no longer distinguish between the inner and the outer, I and you.
In this selfencounter, part of the client was identified with his father, that is, with his father's rejection and
pain. To distinguish what is part of the client and what is identification with the father, we inserted a marker as identification resonance for dad. It became clear that Lede changed and became a small part of the child who wanted to connect with the giver of intention and wanted to have fun. I still felt sad and thought about dad and had the feeling of being out in the woods. I suggested the phrase: I saw dad. The giver of intention and I started to cry, and I confirm that it misses dad. While the intention giver was in contact with I, Lede went to the whiteboard and crossed out the word Lede in the intention and wrote play below it. I suggested the following sentence, which was decisive in this process: I want to play with dad in the forest. The giver of intention repeated the sentence and got in touch with himself. She reflected that she has never before thought or felt this longing for her father. She could recognize the longing to play with her father, that he was interested in her and did not spend time with her. Then the client also got in touch with dare, while play and lead approached each other. Finally, all the parts lay on the floor together in a circle, where the feet touched each other and they played together. The intention giver felt warm in her body and it felt safe and good for her to be with her parts. Then the intending party chose to end the process.
With the help of this selfencounter, the intender was able to recognize and feel the needs that she had as a child, which were not met by her parents. By doing so, she could open up to the blocked emotions such as sadness and loneliness, which the intendant had to release during the traumatization. The focus of this process was on the relationship between the intention giver and the father and a deep longing for the father. But based on the IoPT theory, we know that our first relationship is with the mother and that no one, not even the father, can replace this relationship. When the child's need for honesty, love and other symbiotic needs are not met by the mother, it turns to the father. It was again the love trauma that emerged during this selfencounter.
The intention giver mentioned that the mother was not present for her. But the intention giver was particularly focused on father and that was what resonated with the parts. Therefore, I chose not to insert identification resonance for mother, in order not to push the intention giver too far, since it was only her second selfencounter. The selfencounter showed that the intention giver was not seen by the parents, that they were not interested and present, and that the child did not feel loved. These are basic existential needs that were not met by the parents.
In this selfencounter, I myself was very touched and could feel a deep longing for my father. I felt very tired after having facilitated this process. I felt that I was triggered in my own story and had to think a lot about my dad. That's why I chose to have a counseling selfencounter to work with what was activated in me. My intention was: Ich savner min Papa (I miss my dad), since that was mainly what I felt those days after that process. In my counseling self-talk, I got in touch with a part of me that is very afraid of my dad, because he was so unpredictable and violent. He had no time for me and I could feel a deep longing for both my mom and dad, who didn't look after me and my mom who didn't protect me from my dad's aggression and violence. I also came into contact with a trauma part from an abusive relationship, where I was trapped in my love trauma in my early 20s. In this relationship, the relationship with my dad repeated itself. Through my counseling selfencounter, I got in good contact with my self and was able to integrate a trauma part, which was triggered in me in the therapist role. Being able to meet myself in a counseling selfencounter is a new and fantastic opportunity for me. I think it's very important to have regular counseling selfencounters, especially when I feel that something is awakened and triggered in me in the meeting with a client.
Reflection of the therapist role
Working with exercise clients has been an amazing experience and has shown me how much I love working as a therapist. It has been a strong development for myself. I have learned a lot about myself and how to facilitate and keep a safe space, where clients can work with their intention. I've learned that it's best for me to facilitate the selfencounters on the days when I haven't been at my regular job, because otherwise I get too tired and can't be one hundred percent present. As a therapist, I want to be open, present, warm and empathetic. I want to offer a space where everyone is welcome as they are. The most important thing for me is that clients feel safe, respected and that their autonomy is strengthened.
I have learned that it is very important to be patient and to stand in the unknown. In the first selfencounter I facilitated, I could feel a disappointment that the intention giver did not choose their self as a resonance element. I reflected on it after the process, and it felt like it was my parents' impatience that I identified with as a child, when I wasn't able to do something that they wanted me to do. When I felt it, I realized it was out of my own survival that I had expectations of the client. I reminded myself once again that there is nothing you should be able to do in a selfencounter. We are subjects and my role as a therapist is to support the client in the process and provide a safe space. I learned how easily I, as a therapist, can be triggered myself and that it's very important to feel what's going on inside me in order not to lose my mental clarity. Furthermore, I learned how important it is to give the intention giver enough space and not to intervene too early, but to fully trust the development of the process and the self-regulation of the client's psyche.
After the first selfencounter with my first practice client, I took the following intention with me to all other selfencounters: I will meet the client where she/he is today. This intention helps me to be present, to have no expectations and to keep the frame of the intention that the client wants to work with.
The biggest challenge I've faced is knowing how much to intervene. Here, I've learned to tune into the intention giver and trust my intuition. Some clients need a lot of space to feel and get in touch with themselves, while others need a little more support from the therapist. The main question that is most important in the process is: What basic existential needs did I have that were not being met? For me, it's very important that I approach the intention giver very carefully when I intervene: Can I make a suggestion... //How does it feel for you to say to your part, preferably in your own words... //. It's also important that the intent giver doesn't just repeat the sentence without making emotional contact. That's why I always check in with the intent givers, how it feels and encourage them to feel it.
Another learning effect was for you to really understand how important your autonomy is in a self encounter. An experience becomes a psychotrauma if we find ourselves in a life-threatening situation where we have no control. That's why it's so important that the intention giver is autonomous in the process and decides how far she/he wants to go. We can only resolve the consequences of the traumatization when we ourselves have the authority to deal with what happened. It's important that as a trauma therapist I don't define what the client has experienced. I have learned how important it is to stand in the unknown, to be open and to trust the process. The human psyche is self-regulating. Self-regulation in the intention method starts with the intention-giver choosing who she/he wants to talk to of the parts and choosing the intention itself. That's why it's important for me to remember that how much happens in a selfencounter is not dependent on me, but on the intention giver.
In a selfencounter, only the intention giver can feel what feels right and what resonates for him/her and that is not something I can know as a therapist. But it's important that I have a good understanding of and am confident in IoPT, so that I can supplement with IoPT theory and facilitate the intention giver's psyche to open up. If, as a therapist, I want to decide and push something forward in the process, that's my survival strategy. It was something I could feel when I became impatient. That's why it's so important for me to take counseling sessions, where I can raise my awareness and process what I've encountered in my meeting with the client. It's also very important for me to do self-therapy alongside counseling selfencounters, because there's a danger that the client can get stuck in the therapy where I myself am stuck as a therapist, because I haven't processed it (enough). I also see the danger that if I, as a trauma therapist, get stuck in something, it is possible that I can transfer it to the client. That's why I've learned that it's crucial for the client to come into self-resonance. I believe that IopT will be a lifelong process for me, because I will constantly meet new parts of myself. By working so deeply and integrating the deepest pain (my mother's no), I get more and more clarity in myself. It's important to have this mental clarity when I work as a therapist.
When I facilitated a selfencounter in a group with the resonators, it felt more demanding for me, because I had to organize and facilitate for more participants. Finding the resonator was my biggest challenge. "At the same time, it was easier to see the change of the intention giver's psychological parts in the selfencounters, because the resonance givers could express and move and interact both with each other and with the intention giver. When working one-on-one, I chose not to offer the intention giver that I can resonate with the elements. I didn't want to take the autonomy away from the intention giver and I was also afraid that I might identify with the client. Another benefit can also be that when the intention giver resonates themselves and stands in their parts, this can create a greater compassion for themselves.
I've learned that I can rely one hundred percent on the intention method. What should come up, comes up. That's why it's so important that I only relate to the client's intention and not beyond that and that no one intervenes when the client formulates their intention. The process already starts by formulating and writing the intention (something is activated in us). That's where the first change in the psyche happens, because it's the first form of connecting with oneself. That's why I usually have ice-cold hands and feet before I have a selfencounter or even start crying before the actual process has started. I've also observed this in several of my practice clients.
Another important lesson I learned was that I shouldn't over-explain the theory, but focus on the essentials the client needs to know in order to have a safe selfencounter. Since I love IoPT, I often want to tell as much as possible about the theory. But I have seen that it can easily become too much for the client. By practicing as a therapist, I've figured out what's most important to explain to the client and that I don't need to go deep into the theory. The most important thing is to cover the basic aspects of what the psyche is and the splitting model of the psyche, as well as a brief mapping of trauma trias.
Furthermore, I have learned that we must first be able to acknowledge what we have experienced and the consequences of it, before we can get in touch with our deep split emotions. After a selfencounter, a client told me that the information that emerged was nothing new to her. It showed me again how we can cognitively know/remember something, but at the same time be completely disconnected from the underlying emotions. In order for us to get in touch with these deep emotions, we first need to recognize what has happened and what we needed (our existential needs). Even though I know that we are subjects, I still find it very special to see how each traumatic event manifests itself individually and how everything is connected to our life story (our trauma biography).
The feedback from my practice clients has been great. Everyone was surprised how well the resonance phenomenon works and how much you can feel as a resonator. The clients felt very safe, which allowed them to open up quickly. They thought it was good to be able to start with one-on-one and when they felt ready also have the opportunity to work in a group with the resonator. I am very grateful that it is a requirement to practice with practice clients and write an assignment in Norway, because working as a trauma therapist is a serious and important task. I have felt how much joy I get from being able to work with people in this way. It's touching to see when the masks fall down and the inner core emerges in us humans. Even though we're subjects, we're really all quite similar, because we all carry a lot of trauma. At the end of the day, we all just want to live, love and be loved.
Finally, I would like to say that I am very grateful for our Code of Conduct, which has helped me a lot and is a good orientation for me. They make me feel much safer when I work as a trauma therapist.
Conclusion
"Working as a trauma therapist is an amazing gift for me. It gives me the opportunity to work both with other people and with myself. For me, being a trauma therapist means being in constant development. The truth that lies in the unconscious always emerges through resonance and I find it absolutely amazing how our psyche regulates itself and how it helps us survive so many unbearable situations. Saying yes to life means saying yes to survival.
Since I have started with IoPT I have undergone a profound change. I've found a lot of self-love, am in touch with my emotions, understand myself better, can observe how I shift between SD, TOD and TD. I know that there is still a lot in my subconscious, which I want to work with further and integrate. IoPT is a lifelong process for me. It means self-responsibility and self-love. IoPT has helped me to better see and understand the abuser-victim dynamics that play out in all types of relationships and on a societal level. In addition, I am grateful that I have found an amazing community of people, where I encounter so much love and genuine connection.
References
1 Ruppert, F. (2019). Who am I in a Traumatized and Traumatizing society?. page 24
2 Ruppert, F. (2019). Who am I in a Traumatized and Traumatizing society?. page 31; Ruppert, F. (2018). My Body, My Trauma, My Self. pages 25-26
3 Ruppert, F. (2018). My Body, My Trauma, My Self. pages 30-31
4 Ruppert, F. (2012). Trauma, fear and love. page 208
5 Ruppert, F. (2019). Love, desire and trauma. page 47
6 Ruppert, F. (2019). Love, desire and trauma. pages 163-164
7 Ruppert, F. (2012). Trauma, fear and love. Pages 182, 210
8 Ruppert, F. (2013). Symbiosis and autonomy. pages 79-80
9 Ruppert, F. (2021). I want to live, love and be loved. page 37,
10 Ruppert, F. (2019). Who am I in a Traumatized and Traumatizing society?. page 82
11 Ruppert, F. (2018). My body, my trauma, my self. page 50 12 Ruppert, F. (2018). My body, my trauma, my self. page 34 13 Ruppert, F. (2013). Symbiosis and autonomy. page 81
14 Ruppert, F. (2018). My body, my trauma, my self. page 36
15 Ruppert, F. (2019). Love, desire & trauma. pages 163-164
16 Ruppert, F. (2019). Love, desire & trauma. page 49
17 Ruppert, F. (2021). I want to live, love and be loved. page 14
18 Ruppert, F. (2021). I want to live, love and be loved, pages 56-57
19 Ruppert, F. (2019). Love, desire & trauma. page 163; Ruppert, F. (2012). Trauma, fear and love. Page 208
20 Ruppert, F. (2012). Trauma, fear and love. Pages 182, 186
21 Ruppert, F. (2021). I want to live, love and be loved
